Doctors' Comments On Patient Charts:

In the 1950's and 1960's, there was a television show called the Art Linkletter Show. One of the segments that he had was "Kids say the darndest things" and he would talk with several children, ask them questions and let the little tykes respond with their very funny and innocent answers.

Doctors, like children, can be very funny and often innocent, in their own right. While in medical school and taking OB/GYN classes we were constantly warned by our teachers to be extremely careful about what you say to a female patient during a pelvic exam. Once when I was about to insert the speculum into a patient, I was thinking I needed to warn her of the impending intrusion. So I warned her, "Okay, here I come". I immediately felt a sharp slap on the back of my head from the female supervisory doctor. Lesson learned.

The following are some notations made in patient charts, most probably from newbie doctors, as once I was.

• "Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year."

• "On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely."

• "The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993."

• "Discharge status: Alive but without permission."

• "Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful."

• "The patient refused an autopsy."

• "The patient has no past history of suicides."

• "Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital."

• "Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days."

• "Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch."

• "She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night."

• "She is numb from her toes down."

• "While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home."

• "The skin was moist and dry."

• "Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches."

• "Patient was alert and unresponsive."

• "She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce."

• "I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy."

• "The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead."

• "Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities."

• "Skin: Somewhat pale but present."

• "Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen, and I agree."

• "By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart stopped, and he was feeling better."

• "The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed."

• "When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room."

• "Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing."

• "The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him."

• "The patient expired on the floor uneventfully."

And with that we uneventfully end this segment.